I Just Had a Colonoscopy

I grew up in a household that regarded anything dealing with buttholes, farts and shitting (we were never taught the word “poop”), as very appropriate dinner table conversations and nothing too gross or taboo to talk about. Now that said, I’m 34 years old and the thought of sharing with you that I had a colonoscopy last week seems like a personal dive off the “TMI” deep end.

The reasoning behind why I had to get a colo, (can we call it “colo" for short? My spell check just tried correcting “colo” to “cool” 5 times! Damnit! So not cool!) was because 4 years ago I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Proctitis (inflammation more or less) that caused bleeding. Fun, right? I took a suppository every day for 3 months and as a result was medication and butt-blood free until last month.

Last week I had to watch a 26 minute colonoscopy cartoon provided by the hospital to prepare me. Really, what I would have rather done was read a brief blog about a real experience, so here goes.

The month leading up to this colo I spent every day worrying about it. Not the results, but the actual procedure. Would it hurt? Will I be totally under anesthesia or only twilight as they call it? How long do I have to pump and dump? I even rescheduled my appointment a couple of times because fear told me to, but days after doing so would have a visual WTF in the bathroom, as if God was telling me “Stop being a wuss and get the damn colo, cool girl.”

The worst part was definitely the prep. Spending 24+hrs fasting and only being allowed to eat jolly ranchers, gatorade and chicken broth. Yuck. Haven’t eaten bird in almost 15 years and although the teen in me loved the jolly-diet, I was starving, pissed, and chasing after a crawling 8 month old wishing I could eat my iron pills and everything around me. On the evening before the procedure, already feeling super empty from the fast, I started what they call a Split-Prep. Basically, you drink this nasty liquid that then makes you squirt your brains out about 90 min after consuming. This went on all night. Then, the next morning, the morning of the procedure, I had to drink this shit all over again, hence the name “split-prep” and at this point, there was no looking back.

The babysitter showed up, Brogan and I hopped in the car (I barely wobbled there and fell into the seat with my eyes closed, holding my belly and visualizing pancakes, cold brew and rosemary potatoes) and we were off. As you would imagine, you get fully undressed, put the gown and socks on, get on the gurney and wait for them to wheel you back once the pic line (IV) was in my arm. Once I arrived into the OR the doctor was super cool. We chatted a bunch and he made me feel extremely comfortable in his hands. The only people I remember being in there were 2 nurses and the doctor performing the procedure. Before it began the doc asked me “What’s your name? When is your birthday and what are we doing today?” When I finished answering and ended with “a colonoscopy” he immediately said to everyone as if they do this 100 times a day (they do) everyone in agreement that we are doing a colonoscopy? “Yes, agree!” they all yelled back. That was the coolest part. I felt like I was in a TV show. Some bloggers might reference Grey’s Anatomy here but I’m not a blogger, nor did I watch that show. I didn’t watch Friends either. What can I tell ya? I was into Road Rules and Real World over everything else.

I rolled onto my left side and told the doc I was fully aware of everything going on and could feel everything. “We haven’t given you anything yet, don’t worry! I need 75 mg of Fentanyl and 3mg of Versed” he responded with a slight smirk and laugh. My last words were “oh wow I’m feeling it, already.”

The only thing I remember is opening my eyes for what was most likely less than a minute, and seeing the massive TV screen with my insides on it, and the doc sort of pushing on my bottom. Other than that, I woke up in the recovery room with BG next to me. I opened my eyes, sat up and said “Jeeze, can we go?” As if I had somewhere to be. Muuuusttt beeeee foooood on the braaaain (Cue Rhianna ballad) According to BG we spent about 90 minutes in the recovery room, of which I have no memory. But don’t worry friends, in true BG fashion he made sure to document this in the below footage.

In conclusion, as my 10th grade english skills would insert here, getting a colonoscopy is no big deal. It’s the 24 hours before it that suuuuuuuck. You’re not alone if you have a colo on the calendar, just remember, all the cool colo kids are doing it.